If Only I Could Forget
by vamptastic
Summary: Sometimes we worry about remembering, but may it not be worse when we can't forget? Review please.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Don't own _Twilight_, wish I did

Purely an indulgent piece, enjoy!

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I watched the setting of the sun. Slowly, softly it sank into the earth, leaving behind pink and purple clouds of cotton. Something about sunsets always caused a gut-wrenching feeling to take over my body. I moved my hand to catch a tear as it descended down my cheek from my innermost spirit. I stopped to allow it to die. Soon all would be enveloped in darkness.

The memory slowly crept into my head, stealthily looking for that crack to penetrate. Like a disease it would spread. I tried to focus on the sunset, on twilight. I walked into the woods, the crisp leaves crunching beneath my feet, my face trying to catch the last of the warmth from the diminishing rays. I could hear the approach of night, the stilling of nature.

Nature still moved me and I was thankful. I thought back to my friends. Diana, the high executive lawyer, would rather have a root canal than stroll in the woods with me.

"Oh Bella. You're so damn outdoorsy. Come to LA with me instead, we'll go shopping. I have to have that new Prada purse." I smiled faintly remembering her babbling. How our friendship worked was a mystery.

I touched the leaves of the shrubs growing on either side of me. They were cool and felt alive. I breathed their life deeply, imagining their tender youth flowing through my veins. Somewhere I heard barking. It must have been Cari, beckoning me home for dinner.

I turned and ran towards my house. The breeze caressed my skin and my lungs ached. I loved every minute of it. Cari, my German shepherd, greeted me jumping up happily to lick my arms. I petted her soft head. I felt a love for her that I could have never imagined was possible after him. It was pure, completely selfless. She never asked for anything, never demanded. Our relationship was simple and unconditional.

I bent down to her and wrapped my arms tightly around her neck. I cried without restraint, emptying every ounce of strength left. When I turned to look at her she stared as if questioning me, but I knew she never judged.

"Oh Cari. If only…." I whispered. She came closer and licked my tears. I laughed wholeheartedly.

I entered my small house. It was dark now, only illuminated by the tiny bit of light still gracing the sky as dusk fell. I walked to a shelf lined with pictures. I felt the same gut wrenching throb spread through my body. I bent down and clutched Cari. My eyes roamed over the dusty frames. Within them lay the foundation of my heart, the beginning of my love. I spotted the bright red of my Chevy, my quirky smile in which I recognized total content, utter happiness.

His face. It bore into my mind every time I looked at it. The shimmering topaz of his eyes, the perfect teeth exposed in a handsome smile revealed the creature I no longer believed existed. His beauty radiated even now, illuminating the photograph. I felt the waves of sorrow wash over me, at first gently, as if testing me. They mounted and intertwined as a tsunami of grief flood my heart completely. The house drowned in total darkness, but I could still see his perfect features lingering in the blackness of night.

I didn't bother to turn on the lights that night. It no longer mattered. Instead I opened the windows to let in the night's scent. A cool breeze tickled my skin and ruffled my hair. It was beautiful. Tragic. But I would not cry. No. After all these years I thought back to all the things I wanted to remember, wishing just as badly that I could forget.

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Please Review! Thanks 


	2. Chapter 2

Don't own Twilight, but I do own the plot and the poem.

I wasn't really planning on writing another chapter, but what the heck. Enjoy and please review.

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I waked shuddering. The grey dawn saturated the air. The last day's sun declined to wake with me. A frigid and harsh wind blew through the still open window menacingly, but I refused to move braving it, as if challenging the approaching storm. Cari whimpered at my feet and yawned widely, emerging from warm sleep.

I had fought drowsiness desperately all night, warding of the demons that would come with the new day. I knew I would not return to my moments of solace that I had found in the heartbreaking beauty of yesterday's twilight. I rose from my ancient rocking chair, muscles slightly stiff, to close the window. I was no match for the cold.

I sat in front of my computer staring at the screen. I hadn't written anything in days and my agents were getting worried. I had to finish the book, but nothing came. I willed myself to break down the mental block, to erase the obstacles. My creative powers felt short-circuited. I knew what would help- some spark of emotion, a moment of catharsis that would release whatever was pent up in my mind. But I had spent too long killing it; too much energy was expended in pushing it away, in becoming numb.

"Stop it Bella. You have to find another way. Forget. Forget." I scolded myself.

Cari's furry head shot up in surprise at my outburst.

"You think I'm crazy don't you? It's just as well. It doesn't matter!" I explained myself, arms flailing everywhere. Then I realized I was yelling at a dog that had no idea what I was talking about.

I ruffled her fur in apology and she relaxed by my feet.

It had been 10 years and I was still a wreck. I felt the blood burn in my veins and rush through my heart with violent impact. I decided to turn away from the novel I was supposed to be writing. I shut the word document and opened one of my poems. I had written it a few years after _it_ happened.

_Naively I march ahead,_

_To find my Jerusalem of content._

_And digging deeper, past the light_

_Translucent, separated words_

_I cannot form nor comprehend_

_The symbols of the frayed pages._

_Be it the scriptures of the Son of God_

_Or vibrant cleaning supply ads,_

_I fail to see, and fail to hear_

_Past eyes, past ears_

_Hungered for time erased._

_I rest my head upon the ashes,_

_The memoirs of crunching debris_

_Upon the roads to winter's end:_

_The desolate tribute to the world._

" 'And all I loved, I loved alone.' " I quoted. It was true I had been alone for nearly 10 years. I refused to be in the company of strangers, and everyone including Charlie and Renee seemed to be aliens. After the agony that was college I moved into the backwoods of Forks, where I could be alone, where I could write, where I could hope… hope to never remember.

"Is this what you wished for me Edward?" I asked out loud, knowing perfectly well that the words would never be heard by the only one I ever wished to speak to.

I reached for the bottle beside me and unscrewed the top. I popped one prescription pain killer into my mouth and swallowed it dry, feeling the hard lump traveling down my throat. What would he think of me now? I smiled to myself. Despite my devotion, I wanted him to hurt; I wanted him to _never_ forget.

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p.s. vampires are _awesome_


	3. Chapter 3

Here's the next installment. Enjoy!

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When on pain killers, I felt what I thought was the closest feeling of being immortal. There was no sense of time. Seconds, minutes, hours blended into a clump of semi-awareness. I sat dazed in my rocking chair, the slow steady movement of the thing beneath me carrying me into a kind of stupor. I vaguely realized that there was knocking at my door. It sounded like a distant booming, a hallow thumping in the back of my mind.

I rose, tripping over Cari and landing flat on my face. I couldn't feel a thing. When I managed to get up, I floated, or so I thought, to the door. Fiddling with the door handle I somehow managed to unlock it. I looked up to see my publisher in a fog. I blinked madly trying to push the haze away. A surprised expression registered on her face.

"Bella… is this not a good time?" She finally spoke. She was miles away.

"It's fine." I slurred. "Come in." I had to get a grip on myself.

She nodded and entered, her shoes making a raucous, driving me insane. She sat on the old sofa and laid her purse next to her delicately. She sat rigidly, uneasy.

"Bella, we have to talk." She finally spoke, her voice stern.

"Yes, Marie?" I took a seat in the love seat across from her.

"You missed your last deadline. We needed that novel edited and done. Now we can't release it on the day we planned. I also need the draft of your current novel. Are you finished?" It took a while for me to register what she was saying.

"No, not yet Marie."

Shelet out a frustrated sigh.

"Bella, this is very bad. We can't keep you if you do this. We're losing time. There are plenty of other very talented people we could publish. The agency is ready to drop you. I wanted to give you one more chance, but I have done that too many times."

"I'm sorry." I whispered, my voice cracking. I felt the familiar sting of tears.

"This may not be my place to say… I just think…. you could use some help." She was careful with her words, as if they would break me.

"Help?" I asked dumbfounded.

"Bella, as your publisher, your friend, I am worried about you. Even your writing is becoming strange. I was reading your last submission. It was… madness. So unlike you. Please, don't let it be too late." Her eyes were soft, she was sincerely concerned.

"Right." I mumbled.

She sighed again throwing up her hands.

"Well, whatever. What do I know? Get me your novel in by next week. I mean it." She paused. "By the way, there was someone looking for you yesterday." I started at her words.

"Who?"

"A young man. Very handsome. I'd say, maybe early twenties. I didn't know what he was up to so I told him you generally worked at home. Obviously I didn't release your address."

"What was his name?" I asked shocked.

"I didn't catch it. He was gorgeous though. Pretty eyes." She smiled.

No, no this couldn't be. I sat stunned. Not now. Not after all this time. How dare he? My head swirled. I got up to go, but didn't know where. I stumbled. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Marie rise and soon enough felt her cold hand steadying me. She slowly guided me back to my seat.

"Rest, Bella. And for God's sake, stay off those pain killers." She warned vehemently.

She let herself out while I clutched my burning head, and felt the tears flowing faster and faster. Large drops of salty water dripped onto my lap. I watched it all happen in slow motion.


	4. Chapter 4

OK, so I'm kind of going in a different direction with this. Quite frankly, I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with this, but it all just kind of came to me so please bear with me. I will find a way to stick more of Edward in here somewhere (you really can't have too much Edward ...swoons).

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Diana came to visit two weeks later. Surprise, surprise it was a gloomy day at Forks. She marched in like a general, her designer heels clicking on the wooden floor. She looked around determinedly before seating herself on the floral sofa where Marie had sat not so long ago scolding me like a child. 

"So, what's this gloom all about?" She asked abruptly.

"It's Forks, Diana." I explained taking a seat next to her.

"I'm not talking about the weather." She said quickly. It was so like her. Her movements were always speedy, aggressive. I suppose I admired her for it.

"I don't know." I replied weakly.

"Oh stop it Bella. Sure you do. You can tell Diana." She said flashing her white teeth stained with red lipstick.

"Memories I guess." I didn't know how else to explain.

She rolled her emerald eyes.

"Oh, what are memories? Just images from the past frozen in time. I say we'd all be better off without them."

"No kidding."

"Bella, you have to let him go." She said slowly, gently. My eyes shot up to meet hers at this change.

"Diana, let's not start. I've heard this before." I sighed and got up to bring the coffee.

"Fine, fine. Whatever you say." She tapped her fingers against the armrest with force.

"You know what you need?" She finally spoke raising her voice for me to hear. "You need to get out of here for a while. This place is so damn depressing I don't know how you don't kill yourself. I'm telling you, if I had to deal with the assholes I deal with on a regular basis _here_, I'd be a goner."

I stared into the black pools of liquid inside the cups. The rain droned on outside. Looking through my tiny kitchen window, the green of the vegetation and grey of the sky intertwined to make a sickly combination. Maybe she was right.

I came back to the living room carrying a tray with cups, cream, and sugar.

"How do you like it?" I asked.

"Black." Of course.

"Diana, where am I going to go? I have books to write, my publishing firm is just in Seattle. I can't very well go off to another part of the country." I responded to her early badgering.

"I'm not saying leave forever. Just a vacation. An extended one preferably. Clear your mind. Everything here reminds you of him. You're clinging on to this poor boy. Leave him be, and move on. Literally move. Why not Seattle? Great night life, good music, awesome coffee." She raised her cup in praise.

"I've lived here so long. I don't know if I can." I felt overwhelmed. Why was I so pathetic, so passive? Maybe that's why Diana was my best friend. She was so unlike me, so strong, determined. She was everything I wanted to be. There was a kind of elegance about her that commanded attention. She could have her way with anything and anyone.

"Don't be childish Bella. People move all the time. I've moved at least 6 times in the past 10 years." She seemed proud, as if it was some kind of an accomplishment.

"Besides," she continued "you could find yourself a man." She winked taking another sip of her coffee.

"Diana, I'm not quite like you in that respect. You know that." The last thing I wanted was to go into a detailed conversation about Diana's latest sexual conquests.

"Oh right. Sweet, virginal Bella." She flashed a wicked grin.

"Hardly." I responded tight lipped.

"Perhaps you're right." She chuckled lightly.

I shook my head thinking back to my past. The conglomerate of images danced in my head. Some were dark and terrible, stifling my brain. There were many things I did that I wasn't proud of. When I lost Edward, I lost a big part of Bella. I just wanted that part to return, and I was looking for it in all the wrong places.

"_Come on sweetheart." He spoke softly. His warm golden locks clashed with the steel grey of his icy eyes, intensified by the backdrop of the black sky. _

_I offered my lips like a sacrifice to a god that I'm not sure I believed in. They were soon enveloped in the sticky saliva of the handsome serpent. His warm hands slid under my shirt, tangling around my back like weeds. I felt a hallow ache and followed him to his apartment. _

I don't know where, but I must have seen some small fraction of Edward in him. I shuddered violently at the memory. Yes, there were many things inside that head I wanted to wipe out forever.

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AN: Yes, I realize Bella has changed, but please remeber that quite a bit of time has passed since _Twilight_ (10 years). Bella's finding ways to deal with her grief, though they may not always be effective. Thanks to all the readers and reviewers. You're as awesome as vampires, which is saying a lot. 


	5. Chapter 5

Again, not sure where this is going, but I'm having lots of fun writing this story.

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I searched my closet meticulously. Somehow Diana had convinced me to come to Los Angeles with her.

"Only for a week, Diana." I had set the rule.

"Please, you'll never want to come back here." She said, determined as always.

She stood in the small guest bedroom throwing things in her suitcase as I slowly and carefully folded blouses and pants inside mine.

Diana strode ahead in black slacks and a white dress shirt, high end leather boots stomping the ground. Her hair was pulled back tightly in a chignon. She was the epitome of sleekness. I followed close behind through the airport. People seemed to wiz by me, creating a kind of rhythm. Faces blended into one another. I was feeling dizzy so I decided to concentrate on my tennis shoes. The laces bounced lightly with each step and I found myself absorbed in the intricate pattern of their weaving.

"Now boarding business class." I heard the attendant announce. I hadn't realized we had reached our terminal.

"Come on Bella. Keep up." Diana ordered and handed her boarding pass to the attendant, a short round man of about forty with a bristly mustache. His shallow brown eyes looked dull when I handed him my ticket. He tore the stub mechanically.

There was something claustrophobic about the inside of the plane. Even though I stretched my feet comfortably in front of me (Diana insisted on traveling in first class), I couldn't help but feel suffocated and withdrawn. I wasn't used to being around so many people at once.

I relaxed slowly. Diana had fallen asleep in minutes and I spent my time staring at the white fluff illuminated by the setting sun outside. I saw the tops of mountains peaking through the milky fog of clouds, and the light glimmer of water below me as we made our descent to LAX. The effervescent dusk fell tenderly around us when we landed. I wanted to clutch the air filled with the warm moisture that wafted from the Pacific. I implanted the feeling in my brain.

Diana had arranged for a driver to pick us up. I sat back in the car, lights flashing by me on the Sunset Strip. I tried to focus on some of the images. I saw a group of women in short dresses and pumps huddled around a corner of a restaurant laughing hysterically. A few teenagers with bright blue hair walked the streets towards a music club, a look of determined angst and waywardness passing their youthful features. They were set on rebellion, though unsure of what exactly they were rebelling against. Oh, they'd come up with something eventually.

The long car snaked up the hill towards Diana's West Los Angeles home. Her house was small and homely, yet edgy and modern at the same time. It was very much like her. It lay surrounded by palms and pines, overlooking the bustling city on the right and the Santa Monica Mountains on the left.

"Come here my darlings!" Diana cooed as she entered and her three cats came scrambling towards her.

I remained outside. There was something about the night that gripped me to it. It felt intimate and forlorn. Its dark silent beauty reminded me of Edward, as its sweet noises uncurled themselves in my ears.

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No Edward yet, but fear not! 


	6. Chapter 6

Much thanks to all the delightful reviewers!

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In the morning I was pleasantly surprised to be greeted by warm sunshine streaming through the cracks of the blinds. I ran outside, energy and vigor coursing through my body violently. I felt eight as I ran around Diana's backyard like a little kid, the dew on the grass tickling my soles and the sunshine softly kissing my cheeks. I giggled as I tripped over a tree branch and found myself rolling in the cool greenness of the ground.

"Did little Bella come out to play?" Diana stood between the sliding doors that led to the backyard in her silky nightgown and robe holding Ginger, her tabby, to her chest. She laughed wholeheartedly at my antics.

I smiled and quickly composed myself, following her to the kitchen.

"It's a gorgeous day!" I exclaimed happily.

Diana seemed surprised at this sudden change in mood.

"I'm glad you think so. You could use it. By the way, it's always like this here. You'll see. You will never want to go back to Washington." She said "Washington" as if it was a curse.

"Washington has its own charm." I protested playfully.

"Rain? Mud? Oh, yes of course. Delightfully _charming_." She said sardonically as she quickly placed two pieces of bread in the toaster and filled the coffee machine with water. She fumbled through the cupboards and pulled out a box of granola.

I sat down in the patio overlooking the mountains. The wind gently played with my hair and I closed my eyes and breathed deeply, taking in the clean aromas of the new day.

"So what's the plan then?" I asked when Diana sat across from me.

"I have the whole day planned out." Diana replied excitedly.

"Yes?" I encouraged.

"First, the beach. Then some lunch. Then shopping on Melrose. Later we can hit a club if _you're_ not too worn out." Usually only Diana, the ball of energy, could handle such a day, but I felt energized and revived.

"Sounds good." I shrugged.

"See, you're getting used to it already." She replied victoriously.

The beach was fairly empty. A few scraps of washed up trash lay scattered on the dark yellow sand. The waves crashed against the shore angrily, but it seemed so natural. I thought of all that the shoreline had endured for thousands, millions of years. I fell to the sand and embraced it, as if feeling its pain in the grains that slipped through my fingers. In my palms the tiny crystals shimmered, as warm memories floated through the salty air.

"Come on Bella. Let's go." Diana motioned for me, leaving, her bright sundress fluttering in the wind. I followed, gathering my white flip flops, and adjusting my pale blue swim suit. Usually I felt the need to cover up, but today I blended with the sky and sea, forming a kind of union that was sacred and fragile, but ran deep through my bones.

Shopping was never one of my favorite actives so I allowed Diana to have her fun. Clubbing was also never really my forte, so I was getting nervous.

"You'll look great Bella." Diana reassured me as she handed me a small black thing that was supposed to be a dress.

It hugged all the right curves and had a plunging neckline. I've worn worse, and Diana knew it. So I didn't complain. Instead, I fastened the small buckle of the strappy black heels she handed me and swiped eye shadow across my lids. Diana put the finishing touches by applying mascara and her signature red lipstick. I let my brown locks fall where they may. I gazed in the mirror seeing a wild creature staring back. The whole look was sexy, for lack of a better word, but not too over the top. I trusted Diana not to allow that.

We hooked arms as we stepped out of the car and went into the club. The atmosphere was cramped, stifling. Techno and electronica pounded through the speakers. I felt shudders pulsate through my body with each beat. It was strange, as if I was blending into the music.

Again I saw faces swirling by. Attractive strangers ground their hips into one another while arms roamed everywhere, grabbing and clutching to whatever they could find. I suddenly felt overwhelming sadness. Their futile attempts at forming some kind of human connections reminded me too much of my own.

_"Just relax, beautiful." He seemed to purr. His fingers trailed over my skin like fire as his slender body slid up against mine. I stared at the ceiling unwilling to breathe. I smiled as a Madonna and Child stared back down at me. _

I was thrown back head first into reality. I wasn't quite sure what kind of horrific expression registered on my face, but I soon found Diana shaking me frantically.

"Bella what the hell's going on? Are you okay?" She pleaded, clutching my shoulders, her jade eyes mad with worry.

It wasn't the memory. No, it was the two topaz orbs that watched me closely from across the room.

I swam in the golden light of their mystery, lost myself completely under their brilliant blaze. Those eyes spun me in a million different directions at once. I reached for Diana to steady myself, but couldn't look away. I was a slave to those eyes, willing to die for them at any moment. I felt my body melt, sure I would dissolve by the power of the golden intensity. Yet, as always, anger was on my side and slapped me upside the head. I stood rigid, glaring at the unreserved beauty ahead.

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I think you know where this is going...dun dun dun 


	7. Chapter 7

**Sorry, but this is going to be a short chapter**

When I allowed my lungs to take in air, the oxygen stabbed my insides like a dagger. I gasped to breathe, and ran in the opposite direction. Diana was right behind me questioning me madly. I had to stop to keep myself from stumbling and the high heels didn't help.

"What happened?" Diana demanded her eyes fierce.

"I … don't know." I stuttered. I couldn't have been hallucinating, could I?

"This is completely bizarre behavior. What are you thinking?" Anger and worry contorted Diana's perfectly smooth face.

"I thought I saw someone." I uttered quietly, surprised that she heard through the thumping music.

"Not this again. I got you out of Forks for that reason." Diana whined in exasperation.

"It's nothing. Forget it." The anger and regret that boiled in my blood quickly pieced me together. I went back towards the middle of the room through the corridor of flailing body parts knotted in various forms around each other.

Ravishing my lungs by taking in a deep breath I looked back in the direction of the golden eyes. Sure enough, they were staring back at me. I took in the whole being to find bronze locks carefully disarrayed around a marble white face. It seemed to glow in the dark and the black lights of the club. Next to the exquisite creature stood a much shorter one with similar features, but jet black pixie hair jutting out in various directions. She too watched me intently. The musky mixture of perfume and sweat stood between us as vanity wallowed in the beings inside the gap.

I clutched the eyes to my own and broke contact when I turned to walk outside. I convinced Diana that I needed a minute alone. The cold night air struck my face harshly and I stood shivering, though for a different reason entirely. Cryptic foot steps behind me commanded my attention.

"Bella." His voice dripped like honey from his perfect frigid lips. I stood in awe of the immortal less than a foot away from me.

I was caught in a whirlwind of emotions, every part of him called me to him as if invisible arms gripped me, pulling me towards his flawless body.

I nearly jumped when his cool fingers ran down my jaw. The tingling flames lashed out, but they were tender and kind.

"What are you doing here?" I demanded, resentment taking the upper hand.

"I had to see you. When you left Forks, I followed." He explained gently, voice a mere whisper.

"Well, what do you want?"

"To make sure you're alright. To apologize." His eyes blazed and danced in their utter misery.

"I'm fine." I said sadly, melancholy wrapping its firm fingers around my heart.

"And I'm sorry." His breathe escaped his mouth causing me to lose all coherence. His smell drove my mind in a tizzy. He could have done anything and I wouldn't have protested.

"I couldn't stay."

"You could have come back for me."

"I did."

"Too late."


	8. Chapter 8

"Please don't say that Bella." He begged, his pleading just as pathetic as I was.

"I'm 28 Edward." The realization hit me hard.

"So what?"

"You're 17. That's illegal."

"Must we go into this now?"

"Absolutely."

"Bella, why?"

"It's reality Edward. It may not be good and it may not be right, but it just _is_!" I lashed out at him, faking some form of low wisdom derived from an even lower form of philosophy.

"I still love you. I had to see you; I had to talk to you. Please, don't push me away." His speech was heart-wrenching and I had to fight to gather all strength within me to resist his perfect words. They lulled me into a feeling of safety and an even strange kind of happiness.

"What do you want me to do Edward? Fall into your arms and kiss you, pretend that everything is okay, that I'm okay? Do you expect me to hold on to your every word, every gesture like a stupid and inexperienced teenaged girl?" The venom of my words flowed through the air between, poisoning any kind of goodwill.

"Life has been hard on you Bella. But I don't believe you're as cold hearted as you think." He observed keenly, raising an eyebrow ever so slightly in surprise.

"If anything's made me cold hearted it's you Edward Cullen." The tears crashed down like waterfalls. I could feel the make up running down my face, causing an already horrific sight to become terrifying.

"That's the last thing I ever wanted." He replied to my accusation sadly

"Well, maybe you're more powerful than you think." I said sarcastically.

"Bella… please understand, I wanted you to live a normal life. I didn't want you to become a dead, blood lusting monster. I couldn't take your life." He explained for the millionth time.

"A normal life?" I scoffed and laughed sardonically. "Do you have _any_ idea what my life has become because of you Edward?" I tried to so hard not give anything away, I couldn't let him know how miserable I was without him, but I wanted him to suffer with me. I tried without success. "I never want to see anyone, do anything. When I'm not miserable and writing even more miserable novels and crap poetry I'm self-medicating with Valium or crying my eyes out because I can't feel anything. I try to make some kind of human connections, find warmth, love in random hook ups and dreadful flings. I don't know what to do with myself and _nothing_, I mean _nothing_ means anything to me including my nonexistent friends and estranged family." I was sobbing uncontrollably. "Is that the life you wanted for me Edward? Huh? Because, if it was then I owe you all of my gratitude. Thank you _so_ much Edward for sparing me from an eternity of misery!"

He became a perfect statue. Still and beautiful. I, on the other hand, stood shaking and shuddering in between tears. I loved and hated him. I hated myself, and yet I was proud that I finally stood up to him. I had finally said what I wanted to say all these years, but I felt even worse. This was a vicious cycle and I was caught in a lose-lose situation that couldn't be mended.

"Aren't you going to say anything?" I pleaded.

His honey eyes remained still and motionless. They never looked so dead and dull. All the fire and energy seemed to evaporate into the stench-filled air surrounding us. We were wrapped up in some quilt of misery, composed of harsh words, treacherous images that haunted our memories. It was as if we were the only two people on the planet and the planet had warped into a kind of hell for the lonely and distraught. It remained dumb and ugly.

"Where did you go Bella? What have I done to you?" He finally spoke, voice deep and low, though he seemed to be addressing himself.

I wanted to reach out to him, pull him to me and cradle him in my arms as I proceeded to cry into his hair. I was torn in all directions. Nothing seemed right.

"Bella, are you- " Diana's voice rang behind me.

I turned to find her in awe, clearly due to Edward's glorious presence.

"I guess I better let your friend take you home." He whispered.

I stood completely still, tears still streaming down my face. He leaned in slowly planting a cold kiss on my cheek and then walked away, no _glided_.

"Bella…" Diana was never at a loss for words.

"Let's go." I said coldly without turning to face her and headed off in the direction of the parking lot. I heard her heels clicking lightly as she followed at a distance, unable to comfort me.

We didn't speak on the way home. Diana drove blasting the car stereo. I melted into the car seat, praying to disappear.

"It'll be better in the morning." Diana finally spoke as I made my way into my temporary bedroom.

I flung clothes and toiletries everywhere as I desperately searched for my pills. I was ready to pull my hair out, overcome by an overwhelming sense of anxiety and fear. A rush of images attacked my mind, wreaking havoc on my entire body. I had connected my body and mind too closely, now they never seemed to function apart. When one went haywire so did the other. Maybe it was the drugs.

I collapsed on the tiny rug near the bed. I was too exhausted to undress or even get up. Having failed to find what I was looking for I realized I would have to do this alone. I cried dreadfully onto the floor when I felt something gently touching my hair. My head shot up.

He stood before me, dark and brooding in the low light of the room. The curtains danced with the night breeze.

Before I could protest he had scooped me into his arms and I was clutching to him with all my might on the bed. He gently stroked my hair, kissed my forehead and cheeks, caressed my bare arms. I was completely intoxicated and addicted. I must have forgotten just what kind of an effect he had on me. My body tingled all over and my blood coursed through my veins while my heart pounded with such force I was sure it would fall out of my chest. My head swam in soft, warm, fluff, taken over by total calm. I rested my forehead over his dead heart and breathed raggedly onto him.

"Don't cry, love. Don't cry." He cooed so tenderly, my heart broke all over again.

"Edward." The word rolled of my tongue with such grace and magnificence that I couldn't believe I had said it.

I reached up and stroked his face, outlining his flawless features with my hands. He closed his eyes in content and sighed.

"I'm here Bella." He reassured me, his topaz eyes flying open. They were aflame once again with passion and desire.

**Hope you enjoyed **


	9. Chapter 9

**OK, so I know it's been ages and I apologize for not updating, but I really haven't had much time to write. Here is the next installment and I will add more after this. Hope you enjoy! BTW, I don't own Twilight, obviously. **

Time passed dreadfully slowly. All was silent except for the ticking of the clock above the four poster bed. The world seemingly died as I sat frozen upon the silky black sheets, cool on my burning skin. I was alone. I looked to the window to see the curtains flailing lightly in a ghostly dance as if in some morbid celebration. Nature had won. Edward and I were not natural together. My previously erratic breathing had calmed as I waited for dawn anxiously, drowning now within the darkness that seemed to inflate by the minute, consuming not only the physical realm, but all the spirits, psyches, and souls of the cosmos. The night had grown malicious.

"Bella? Bella." I felt someone gently shaking me.

I fought off the trance of sleep to see Diana's concerned face hovering above me. I groaned in protest, unwilling to face anything and anyone.

"Bella, it's 2:30 in the afternoon. You might want to change out of that dress, shower perhaps? Oh your poor feet must be dying, after sleeping in those shoes." Diana's usual assertiveness was completely absent. For the first time she appeared to be shaken, disturbed perhaps.

I sat up shuddering. The cold penetrated my bones, it was almost painful.

"Oh, let me shut that window. It's freezing here." She swiftly latched up the window and gently wrapped a blanket around my icy frame. I wanted to thank her for the concern, but words seemed insufficient. No, words seemed pointless. Communication was dead. I had lost, and lost again. I shuddered, almost convulsing, violently. This time it wasn't because of the cold, but of the thought of the life I had ahead of me. The future never looked so grim and dreary.

"I'll let you get ready. There are towels and a robe in the bathroom. Let me know if you need anything at all. I ordered some lunch so it should be here soon." I had never seen Diana so uneasy, so confused, and befuddled as she left the room awkwardly.

I threw myself on the ground, digging through my suitcase. I found what I was looking for. The familiar cylindrical bottle felt smooth and comforting between my fingers. I quickly unscrewed the cap and popped three pills into my mouth. The thought of the sensation about to come relaxed me a bit. I laid down on the glossy parquet surface of the ground, still clutching the blanket to my withering body. Soon a welcomed numbness washed over me. My thoughts danced wildly in a million directions, diverging and converging, then coming together and disappearing altogether. I was left with utter emptiness that was so liberating that the sense of freedom almost overwhelmed me. I savored every second of nothingness, hoping never to come back to earth again. In my own little niche of nonexistence I was content, I was saved.

**Review please**


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